A Bittersweet Christmas

12/6/10

I wrote this at the beginning of this month and thought I would share it as my first blog. It kind of lets you know a little bit about me and my family

My husband said something tonight about Christmas being just a few weeks away. Just like everyone else, we’ve been busy, looking forward to and getting ready for the holidays. But all of a sudden, IT hit me.  He’s about to leave us for a year to fly halfway around the world, put himself in harm’s way to defend our freedoms.  After the holidays, he will hug us, say goodbye, and be gone for the next year.
      
I know, and keep telling myself, that many men and women have had to do this before and many more will have to do it after us. I personally know several. But somehow it doesn’t make it any easier. The only thing that I know will see us through is Jesus Christ. He promised He would never put more on use than we can handle. He promised to never leave us or forsake us. He will be with my husband during his lonely hours just like He will be with me during mine.

Today my wonderful husband fixed the front of the oven. Stupid me tried to unscrew the handle to clean the front and lost the screw and the whole thing fell apart. He found the screw figured out how to put it back together and fixed it. Such a little everyday thing. Shouldn’t make me so emotional. Shouldn’t make me lay in bed and cry after he falls asleep just thinking about it. But all of a sudden all the little moments, the moments that we will miss for a year, some moments that will not be back since our girls will be a year older when he returns, they all came rushing to me.

 The little moments. When he comes in the front door from work and the girls attack him before he even has time to change. When Aby tells me that Daddy is HER prince and puts her hands on his cheeks and asks him if he’s hers, then looks at me smugly when he tells her he is. When Ali Jo snuggles up to him and gives him hugs, or just lays on his chest for awhile. When he gets both girls ready for church because I am running behind as usual. When he fixes the stove. When he puts up the Christmas tree and separates out all the limbs and fixes the ones I do, cause I just can’t get it quite right. ;) When he sets the girls down and talks to them about sharing with each other. When he comes in and gives me a big hug. When he hugs me, and I smell his cologne. When he tells me how good supper is. When he comes home in the middle of the day for lunch and makes our day brighter.When Ali Jo sits on the sink in the morning and watches daddy shave, and if I try to come in she reaches out to close the door, cause that is her time with daddy. When we walk into the girls section at the store, and he goes crazy picking out things for the girls. When we laugh together over a something the girls did or said and share a little look. We he came in after a 25 mile ruck march in the cold rain and just held me for a while to get warm. When I’m cooking supper and I can hear him getting excited or upset over his PS3 football games. When he texts me during the day to tell me he loves me or see how I am doing. When Aby asks me a question that I don’t know the answer too, so she tells me she will ask daddy when he gets home, cause “daddy is really smart”, and when he gets home, sure enough, he knows the answer. When Ali Jo sticks her hands straight up in the air for daddy to pick her up. When we sit and laugh together over our favorite shows. When we get to spend time alone together in the evenings after the girls go to bed.

So many little everyday moments that we normally overlook, but all of a sudden they seem so important. Trying to take pictures in my mind and remember every little thing, so I have them to look back on and cherish while we’re apart.  It’s so hard to explain how your heart can be so full of love and pride and yet be breaking at the same time. Nobody could be more proud of my wonderful husband and the sacrifice he is making, leaving family, missing out on a year of his girls’ lives, leaving conveniences for the sake of us and our country. A selfish part of me wants to just hold on and not let go. Don’t let him leave. And yet I know when the time comes, I will say goodbye, let go, hold my head up high, and do my best to be strong, and show him and our girls how proud I am of him.

Can’t wait for Christmas to come. Can’t wait to celebrate our Lord’s birth with our family. Can’t wait to see our daughter’s faces when they open up their gifts. Yet somehow wishing I could push Christmas just a little further away. Don’t come just yet. Wait a little longer, Christmas.